There’s that moment when you realize that you are a grown ass man. That status means you’ve lived more than half of your life. You are closer to the end than the beginning. Way closer actually. Hopefully this life journey has provided you with some wisdom, philosophy or adages to live by. I’ve collected a few of my favorite ones. They’re not for everyone. They even be bit silly, but life is often silly when not outright absurd.
SLEEPING WITH OLD GIRLFRIENDS
Give it some thought. Could be fun. Could revive old love. Could be the worst fucking idea of all time. Whether you quit them or they quit you, it’s all old news now. You were both young and, likely, more horny than wise, more immature than thoughtful. Kiss their cheek and look them in the eye as you both think, “Wow, I really did dodge a bullet.”
DO NOT PLAY THE “WHAT IF” GAME
If you live long enough to have had a full life you’ll ruin what’s left of it playing the “what if” game. What if you’d married Dee Dee and not Nzinger? What if I’d moved to L.A. and written sit-coms instead of writing arty novels in New Jersey? What if I had purchased that $2.5 million brownstone in Brooklyn when it was only $120,000? This game will drive you crazy and fill you with regret.
YOU HAVE TO GIVE UP TO GAIN
Depending on your body type and history there is a long list of things to give up once you become grown ass: salt, sugar, late nights, cocaine, brown liquor, broke friends, trifling women, maybe meat (you’ll miss pork!), and women under thirty. The benefits are a healthier body, more energy, a functioning liver and nasal passages, a fuller bank account, a flatter stomach and many less embarrassing Instagram posts.
MENTOR WITHOUT EXPECTATION
Yes, you have a lot to offer and much to share. You know shit. Share it — otherwise it dies with you. But please avoid being an old blow hard who dispenses unwanted and unwarranted advice. Don’t expect gratitude. If you receive it fine. But don’t linger around for “thank you” since young people may not even understand what you just gave them — perhaps not until years later.
ACT YOUR AGE
Keep your pants on your ass. Don’t wear fashionable high waters either. (In other words keep your drawers and your socks to yourself!) Don’t use teenage slang. If do you please do so ironically otherwise you risk sounding like your Uncle Ike and you don’t wanna sound like Uncle Ike.
BE A STUDENT
You wanna stay current? Keep your mouth shut and pay attention to young people. Listen and watch. But don’t be insistent when you tell them why their (fill in the blank — clothes, music, dances, philosophy) sucks. They won’t really don’t care (even if they find out later you’re right.)
FORGIVE OLD ENEMIES
That battle over that woman, that job, that contract, that real estate deal has long since ended. You won. You lost. He did something unforgivable. You did something unmentionable. It’s done. I’m not saying chop it up over a bottle of Hennessy, but what’s that anger doing for you now? Yeah, easier said than done. But real talk: old grudges are as useful as used condoms.
WORK OUT LIKE YOUR DYING
Cause you are. Dying that is. With the time you have left enjoy your body. Sweat. Stretch. Do pull ups. Lift weights. Ride bikes. Run up hill and down. At some point you’ll likely be in bed with tubes up your nose. Most of us will. If working out gives you one more day standing upright it was worth the price of those new Nikes.
IF YOU WON’T CHANGE THEN EVOLVE
If you are a selfish motherfucker and can’t stop being one, then be selfish about volunteering. Be the volunteer who’s selfish about feeding the most homeless people in your area. If you’re an asshole you’ll likely be an asshole. But be the asshole who reports drug dealers in your building to the police. Turn your negative qualities into a positive for someone else.
DON’T LET OLD FRIENDS DISAPPOINT YOU
Life is long. Shit happens. Everybody doesn’t win. It’s sad when people keep making the same mistakes. But when did you get so damn perfect. Expect from them what you’ve always gotten and be ready for that day when they surprise you.
MORE NEW FRIENDS
If you’re still dipping into the same small pool of peers for advice it’s no wonder your mind is thirsty. Open the window and let some fresh thoughts in. Your network of friends is crucial in decision making, information and getting new jokes. Don’t be afraid to expand that network to people who may be younger than you, don’t look like you, or share your background. Fresh points of view keep you fresh as well.
SOMETIMES IN LIFE YOU HAVE TO PASS THE TORCH (BEFORE THE NEXT MOTHERFUCKER SNATCHES IT FROM YOUR HAND.)
I think this is self-explanatory.